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" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "
" At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. "
" Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. "
" You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude. "
" The young comedians always ask me, 'What's the secret for staying around?' I tell them, 'There is no secret - just stay around. Longevity is the most important thing.' "
" I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. "
" So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams. "
" Ninety percent of the people who come to see me are my fans. "
" Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib. "
" I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke. "
" Funny is funny. "
" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "
" When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, 'Hey, you hockey puck!' "
" Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. "
" When I'm onstage, I'm acting. "
" I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke. "
" I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies. "
" When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight. "
" When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side. "
" To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can't stand up - You can tell a joke. You're a good storyteller and a good joke teller. "
" I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important. "
Friends And Family
" Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones. "
" To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled. "
" I told jokes badly. "
" Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black. "
" In the 45 years I've worked in casinos, I dreamed of being honored by an organization like the American Gaming Association, especially since I don't even have a hunting license. "
" There's a difference between an actual insult and a friendly jab. So I don't think I'm offensive onstage. "
" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "
" My father was an insurance man and a small-time gambler. He was a good man, but he had an eye for the racehorses, and I saw how it used to bother my mother. I've never gambled a dime. Never, in all those years in Vegas. "
" To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. "
" In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know. "