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" My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared. "

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" When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. "

" If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance. "

" I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important. "

Friends And Family

" I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. "

" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "

" My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head. "

" The inaugural of Ronald Reagan, with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. And that was the greatest thing. Ronald Reagan and George Bush. That was - I still remember like it was yesterday. "

" I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' "

" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "

" You got to have a lot of courage. Secondly, whatever it is you're doing, you have to believe in it wholeheartedly. Thirdly, you have to be able to stand up in front of people and know that they'll laugh. "

" To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. "

" When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side. "

" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "

" Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person. "

" To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. "

" Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight. "

" Sinatra had a lot of mood swings, but he was wonderful to my wife Barbara and to me. He made no bones about who he liked and who he loved, and he had this great charisma. When he walked into a room, it stopped. I've only seen that happen with Ronald Reagan. "

" I didn't get married until I was 38. "

" Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king. "

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black. "

" When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight. "

" I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies. "

" I do situations and make fun of authority and life. "

" I don't like to compare myself with anybody. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. "