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" Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is. "

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" We were Orthodox Jews, but we really didn't deserve it. I mean, bacon - my father said, 'Don't put bacon in the house,' but we had bacon. We didn't keep kosher. And we observed which today would be Conservative Jews. But in those days, we belonged to an Orthodox temple. So we made out we were Orthodox Jews, but we really weren't. "

" At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am offstage, but I'm just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on the television and watches a lot of sports. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" It takes many years to be a great comedian. "

" The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island. "

" Everything I've performed has been from my own head. "

" Sinatra was somebody special. "

" Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. "

" My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss. "

" You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it. "

" I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room. "

" Las Vegas is the boiling pot of entertainment. "

" I did a picture 40 years ago with Carroll O'Connor and Telly Savalas, God rest their souls, and Clint Eastwood, called 'Kelly's Heroes,' which we filmed in Yugoslavia for six months. "

" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "

" If I have learned anything, it is to keep my wife happy by sending her lavish gifts. Other men can learn from my success and send their wives and girlfriends fresh flowers for birthdays, anniversaries, and of course, Valentine's Day. "

" I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.' "

" Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come. "

" I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke. "

" I told jokes badly. "

" I was a mother's boy. "

" Funny is funny. "

" I don't drink much anymore, but when I traveled with Frank Sinatra, God rest his soul, I used to drink like I could do it. He made it a test. In Vegas, the Rat Pack, which I was a little part of, drank all night and slept most of the day. Then, about 5 o'clock, we'd meet in the hotel steam room, lock the door, and steam our brains out. "

" Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. "

" I've never gone to comedy clubs. "

" After over 50 years of headlining, I've been received very beautifully. But I always say, when you're onstage, you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's OK. "

" I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on. "

" To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled. "

" I did a few movies, but the word 'star'... I cannot compare to a star like Clint Eastwood. I used to call Clint 'Larry Dickman' when he would come to my show; then, he started using the name when he would go under cover in a 'Dirty Harry' movie. That's why he's a movie star... he's so creative. "