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" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

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" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "

" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "

" If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. "

" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "