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" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

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" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

Lewis Black

Interview

Pressure

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

Lewis Black

Art

Many

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "

" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "

" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

Lewis Black

Family

Know

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

Lewis Black

Ended

Sense

" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

Lewis Black

Hate

Woman

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

Lewis Black

Get

Some

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

Lewis Black

Head

Love

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

Lewis Black

Funny

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "