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" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

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" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. "

" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "

" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "

" The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die. "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "

" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "