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" Everybody's got cable. "

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" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "

" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "

" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "

" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "