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" If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. "
Lewis Black
Go
Week
Right
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" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "
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" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "
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" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "
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" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "
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" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "
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" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "
Lewis Black
Day
New Day
Great
" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "
Lewis Black
Economics
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" Everybody's family has different values. "
Lewis Black
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" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "
Lewis Black
Math
Sure
Republicans
" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "
Lewis Black
Apologize
Tired
Too
" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "
Lewis Black
Taxes
Question
Privilege
" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "
Lewis Black
Country
Lost
Water
" I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. "
Lewis Black
Play
Enough
Beach
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "
Lewis Black
Life
Alone
My Life
" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "
Lewis Black
Dealing
Democrats
Reality
" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "
Lewis Black
Me
Head
Love
" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
Lewis Black
Milk
Soy
Thing
" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "
Lewis Black
Right
Left
Think
" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "
Lewis Black
Fast
Change
People
" The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die. "
Lewis Black
Day
Talk
You
" I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. "
Lewis Black
Angry
Socialism
People
" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
Lewis Black
Get
Broke
Had
" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
Lewis Black
American
Bipartisan
Public
" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "
Lewis Black
Great
You
Only
" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "
Lewis Black
Hate
Woman
Me
" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "
Lewis Black
Kid
Father
Street
" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "
Lewis Black
Problem
Uniform
People
" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "
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People
Daily
" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "
Lewis Black
People
Country
Help