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" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

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" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "

" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "