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" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "
Lewis Black
Push
Believe
I Believe
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" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Ego
Health
" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "
Lewis Black
Daily
Think
Golf
" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "
Lewis Black
Right
American
Place
" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "
Lewis Black
Nothing
Interesting
Comedy
" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "
Lewis Black
Constantly
Having
Stroke
" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "
Lewis Black
Hate
Woman
Me
" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "
Lewis Black
Problem
Uniform
People
" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "
Lewis Black
Interview
Me
Pressure
" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "
Lewis Black
Important
Leaving
Realize
" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "
Lewis Black
Child
Just
Own
" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "
Lewis Black
You
Democrats
Dumb
" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
Lewis Black
Quarter
Property
Father
" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "
Lewis Black
Country
Lost
Water
" Everybody's family has different values. "
Lewis Black
Everybody
Different
Values
" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "
Lewis Black
Some
Yelling
Started
" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "
Lewis Black
Group
Know
End
" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "
Lewis Black
Thought
Mother
Life
" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "
Lewis Black
Drama
Generation
Parents
" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "
Lewis Black
You
Always
Work
" I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. "
Lewis Black
Play
Enough
Beach
" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "
Lewis Black
Start
Father
People
" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "
Lewis Black
Nothing
Stress
Trying
" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "
Lewis Black
Chicken
Life
My Life
" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "
Lewis Black
Pig
Selfish
Little
" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "
Lewis Black
Health
Fear
Belief
" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "
Lewis Black
Shut
You
Law
" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
Lewis Black
Get
Broke
Had
" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "
Lewis Black
Business
Know
Nice
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "
Lewis Black
Find
Holiday
Right