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" Everybody's family has different values. "

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" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "

" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "

" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "

" I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "