Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

Related Quotes:

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "

" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "