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" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "
Lewis Black
Apologize
Tired
Too
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" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "
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" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "
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" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "
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" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "
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" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "
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" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "
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" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "
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" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "
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" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "
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Vote
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" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "
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" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "
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" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
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Quarter
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" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
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Get
Broke
Had
" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "
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You
Always
Work
" I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. "
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Play
Enough
Beach
" Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' "
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" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "
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" Everybody's family has different values. "
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Everybody
Different
Values
" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "
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Pig
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Little
" If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. "
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Week
Right
" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "
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Some
Yelling
Started
" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "
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Day
New Day
Great
" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "
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Kid
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" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "
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" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "
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Democrats
Dumb
" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "
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Thought
Brain
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" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "
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Holiday
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" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "
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I Am
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Funny
" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "
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