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" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "

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" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "

" The message of great art is to disturb. "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "