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" Writing is agony. I hate it. "

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" Democrats hate Democrats most of all. "

" People say, 'Oh, politics is so polarized today,' and I'm thinking... '1861, that was polarized.' "

" I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny. "

" Detroit's industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching. "

" Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. "

" If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas. "

" It's hard to be serious in life. "

" I have never Twittered or Tweeted or even Chirped. "

" Nobody is making Americans buy Chinese goods. "

" Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper. "

" Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. "

" If you ask the government to solve all of your problems, it's a bit like asking your wife to cook and clean, to raise the children, to hold down a second job to help with the family finances, to keep her parents happy and well and keep your parents happy and well, and to also - to do the lawn and clean the gutters. "

" A Kindle returns us to the inconvenience of the scroll, except with batteries and electronic glitches. It's as handy as bringing Homer along to recite the 'Iliad' while playing a lyre. "

" They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.' "

" Politicians will talk strategy and tactics and policies and programs until they're blue in the face, or you strangle them and they turn blue. "

" In theory, taxes should be like shopping. What I buy is government services. What I pay are my taxes. "

" Now, do I think the baby boomers tend to be self-absorbed? I do. "

" Why is Iraq so easy to harm and so hard to help? "

" When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. "

" The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around. "

" A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking. "

" In the Soviet Union, no industry went under until they all did. "

" I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. "

" Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. "

" Global warming is a fact. Now it's up to liberals to make it a reality. Hence there is crucial importance in preventing powerful, greedy free market forces from getting in the way of worsening storms and rising sea levels. The Kyoto Accord is a good first step. "

" Our earliest evidence of government, in the ruins of Babylon and Egypt, shows nothing but ziggurats and pyramids of wasted taxpayer money, the TARP funds and shovel-ready stimulus programs of their day. "

" You can't destroy America by destroying our elite. Think about America's elite. Think about it down through history. Destroy our elite, and about half the time, you're doing us a favor. "

" I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I'm not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses. "

" Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day. "

" Israel is slightly smaller than New Jersey. Moses in effect led the tribes of Israel out of the District of Columbia, parted Chesapeake Bay near Annapolis, and wandered for forty years in Delaware. "