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All Quotes by author - Woody Allen

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "

" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "

" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" I am two with nature. "

" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "

" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "

" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "

" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "

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