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" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
Woody Allen
Armenian
Tried
Suicide
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" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "
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Person
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More
" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
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Enjoy
People
World
" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "
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Once
Two
Run
" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
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Look
Never
Been
" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
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Horrible
Divided
Life
" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
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Television
Life
Art
" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "
Woody Allen
Here
Too
Food
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
Woody Allen
Height
Team
Because
" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "
Woody Allen
Office
America
Forty
" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "
Woody Allen
Had
Love
Over
" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "
Woody Allen
Together
Sleep
Much
" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "
Woody Allen
Me
Like
God
" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
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Misery
Loneliness
Life
" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "
Woody Allen
Death
Life
You
" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
Want
Death
Die
" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "
Woody Allen
Impossible
Experience
Death
" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
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Showing Up
Up
Success Is
" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "
Woody Allen
Want
Achieve
Work
" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "
Woody Allen
Said
Hard
Nature
" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "
Woody Allen
Now
Sign
Again
" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
Woody Allen
Move
Move On
Students
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
Woody Allen
Beverly Hills
Garbage
Television
" Marriage is the death of hope. "
Woody Allen
Marriage
Death
Hope
" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
Woody Allen
Education
Teacher
Teachers
" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "
Woody Allen
Death
Down
Things
" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
Woody Allen
Illusion
Everything
Nothing
" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
Woody Allen
Right
Show
Know
" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
Woody Allen
Opposition
God
Loyal
" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
I Am
Happens
Death
" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "
Woody Allen
Her
Want
Really