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" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

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" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "

" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "

" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "

" Marriage is the death of hope. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "

" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "