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" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "

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" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "

" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "

" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "

" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "

" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "

" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "

" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "

" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" I am two with nature. "