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" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "
Woody Allen
Own
Because
Good
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" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "
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Forty
" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "
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" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
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Move
Move On
Students
" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "
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Good
Experience
Love Is
" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "
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I Am
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" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "
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Any
Time
Rest
" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
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World
" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "
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Food
He
Why
" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
Woody Allen
Armenian
Tried
Suicide
" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
Woody Allen
Showing Up
Up
Success Is
" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
Woody Allen
Your
Night
Saturday
" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "
Woody Allen
Dream
What If
Somebody
" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "
Woody Allen
Pedestal
Wife
Place
" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "
Woody Allen
Once
Two
Run
" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "
Woody Allen
Plans
Tell
Want
" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "
Woody Allen
Peace
War
Twenty
" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "
Woody Allen
Triangle
Had
Great
" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "
Woody Allen
Only
Money
Better
" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
Woody Allen
Live
Want
Give
" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
I Am
Happens
Death
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
Woody Allen
Height
Team
Because
" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "
Woody Allen
You
Mistakes
Taught
" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "
Woody Allen
You
Nothingness
Happen
" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
Woody Allen
Will
Want
Sick
" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "
Woody Allen
Her
Want
Really
" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
Woody Allen
Misery
Loneliness
Life
" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "
Woody Allen
Last Night
Last
Luck
" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
Woody Allen
Steal
Back
Go
" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
Woody Allen
Opposition
God
Loyal
" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
Woody Allen
Illusion
Everything
Nothing