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" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "
" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "
" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "
" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "
" I am two with nature. "
" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "
" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "
" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "
" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "
" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "
" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "
" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "
" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "
" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "
" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "
" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "
" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "
" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "