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" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "
" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "
" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "
" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. "
" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "
" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "
" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "
" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "
" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "
" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "
" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "
" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "
" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "
" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "
" I am two with nature. "
" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "
" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "
" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "
" When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. "
" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "
" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "
" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "
" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "