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" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "
Woody Allen
Me
Like
God
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" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "
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Showing Up
Up
Success Is
" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
Woody Allen
Humor
Funny
Think
" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "
Woody Allen
You
Nothingness
Happen
" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "
Woody Allen
Horrible
Divided
Life
" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
Woody Allen
Will
Want
Sick
" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "
Woody Allen
Two
Body
Fun
" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
Woody Allen
Opposition
God
Loyal
" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "
Woody Allen
Bath
Come
Home
" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
Woody Allen
Enjoy
People
World
" I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
I Am
Happens
Death
" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "
Woody Allen
Decision
Just
House
" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "
Woody Allen
Showing Up
Seventy
Life
" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "
Woody Allen
Triangle
Had
Great
" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "
Woody Allen
Pedestal
Wife
Place
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
Woody Allen
Beverly Hills
Garbage
Television
" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
Woody Allen
Numbered
Days
Why
" I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. "
Woody Allen
Peace
War
Twenty
" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "
Woody Allen
Had
Love
Over
" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
Woody Allen
Right
Show
Know
" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
Woody Allen
Misery
Loneliness
Life
" When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. "
Woody Allen
Kidnapped
Action
Room
" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "
Woody Allen
Plans
Tell
Want
" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "
Woody Allen
Her
Want
Really
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
Woody Allen
Height
Team
Because
" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "
Woody Allen
Food
He
Why
" It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. "
Woody Allen
Impossible
Experience
Death
" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "
Woody Allen
Last Night
Last
Luck
" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "
Woody Allen
Live
Want
Give
" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
Woody Allen
Television
Life
Art
" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "
Woody Allen
Call
Dead
Horse