Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "

Related Quotes:

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "

" Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. "

" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "

" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "

" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? "

" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "

" The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "

" If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" I am two with nature. "

" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "

" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "

" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "