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" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
Woody Allen
Your
Night
Saturday
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" Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "
Woody Allen
Tradition
Illusion
" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
Woody Allen
Illusion
Everything
Nothing
" If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. "
Woody Allen
Person
Movies
More
" Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. "
Woody Allen
Good
Experience
Love Is
" I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. "
Woody Allen
I Believe
Watching
Believe
" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "
Woody Allen
Said
Hard
Nature
" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
Woody Allen
Try
Finding
God
" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
Want
Death
Die
" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "
Woody Allen
Call
Dead
Horse
" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
Woody Allen
Height
Team
Because
" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "
Woody Allen
Once
Two
Run
" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "
Woody Allen
You
Nothingness
Happen
" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
Woody Allen
Armenian
Tried
Suicide
" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "
Woody Allen
Universe
Find
Know
" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "
Woody Allen
Gold
Proud
Me
" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
Afraid
Want
Just
" On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . "
Woody Allen
Death
Down
Things
" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "
Woody Allen
Plans
Tell
Want
" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "
Woody Allen
Move
Move On
Students
" When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. "
Woody Allen
Kidnapped
Action
Room
" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "
Woody Allen
Numbered
Days
Why
" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "
Woody Allen
TV
Them
Suck
" Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "
Woody Allen
Two
Body
Fun
" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "
Woody Allen
Any
Time
Rest
" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
Woody Allen
Steal
Back
Go
" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
Woody Allen
Misery
Loneliness
Life
" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "
Woody Allen
Triangle
Had
Great
" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "
Woody Allen
I Am
Milk
Nose
" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "
Woody Allen
Dessert
Drama
Meat
" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "
Woody Allen
Together
Sleep
Much