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" I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. "
Woody Allen
Her
Want
Really
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" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "
Woody Allen
Bath
Come
Home
" I am two with nature. "
Woody Allen
Two
Am
I Am
" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
Woody Allen
Enjoy
People
World
" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "
Woody Allen
Illusion
Everything
Nothing
" I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. "
Woody Allen
Will
Want
Sick
" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "
Woody Allen
TV
Them
Suck
" I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. "
Woody Allen
Gold
Proud
Me
" Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "
Woody Allen
Tradition
Illusion
" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "
Woody Allen
Done
Few
Lying
" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "
Woody Allen
Food
He
Why
" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "
Woody Allen
Funny
Am
I Am
" I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. "
Woody Allen
Call
Dead
Horse
" Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. "
Woody Allen
Misery
Loneliness
Life
" In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. "
Woody Allen
Beverly Hills
Garbage
Television
" Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. "
Woody Allen
Money
Turn
Think
" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
Afraid
Want
Just
" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "
Woody Allen
You
Mistakes
Taught
" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "
Woody Allen
Last Night
Last
Luck
" I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. "
Woody Allen
Live
Me
Parents
" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "
Woody Allen
Try
Finding
God
" I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. "
Woody Allen
Had
Love
Over
" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
Woody Allen
Look
Never
Been
" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "
Woody Allen
Said
Hard
Nature
" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "
Woody Allen
Armenian
Tried
Suicide
" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen
Want
Death
Die
" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "
Woody Allen
Education
Teacher
Teachers
" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "
Woody Allen
Steal
Back
Go
" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "
Woody Allen
Own
Because
Good
" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
Woody Allen
Humor
Funny
Think
" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "
Woody Allen
Death
Life
You