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" Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. "

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" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "

" In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "

" Eighty percent of success is showing up. "

" I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. "

" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "

" Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. "

" Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. "

" Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "

" Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. "

" It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

" If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "

" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "

" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. "

" Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "