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" A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. "

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" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "

Elayne Boosler

Belief

Congress

America

" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

Elayne Boosler

Food

Thankful

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "

" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with. "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. "

" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "