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" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "

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" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "

" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "

" One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. "

" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "