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" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

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" If you're public speaking, imagine yourself feeling confident; if you're nervous about a date and thinking, 'I'm gonna be a dork,' picture yourself being funny. Then it will be familiar to your brain. "

Lindsey Stirling

" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. "

" It's funny: I can never sleep between shows; I think it's because I don't like to switch the motor off. I'll probably have some chicken or pasta, though never the two together, and maybe go out for a quick wander around. "

" He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. "

Raymond Chandler

" The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. "

" I like Ben Stein. I think he's funny, creative, and an insightful commentator on a host of issues. "

" They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? "

" I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. "

" It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all. "

" Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. "

" When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. "

" If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious. "

" If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. "

" It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' "

Garrett Hedlund

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.' "

" Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. "

" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. "

Abraham Lincoln

" With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. "