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" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

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" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "

" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' "

" I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people. "

" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "