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" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "
Lewis Black
Chicken
Life
My Life
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" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "
Lewis Black
Kid
Father
Street
" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "
Lewis Black
Thought
Mother
Life
" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "
Lewis Black
Know
English
Liar
" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "
Lewis Black
Golf
Yourself
Myself
" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "
Lewis Black
Country
Lost
Water
" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "
Lewis Black
Funny
" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "
Lewis Black
Interview
Me
Pressure
" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
Lewis Black
Milk
Soy
Thing
" I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. "
Lewis Black
Get
Some
Me
" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "
Lewis Black
Place
People
You
" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Gone
Voting
" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "
Lewis Black
Great
You
Only
" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "
Lewis Black
Been
Started
Road
" You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. "
Lewis Black
Company
You
Want
" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "
Lewis Black
Think
Wrong
You
" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "
Lewis Black
Socialism
Got
Like
" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "
Lewis Black
Online
No Time
Always
" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "
Lewis Black
Math
Sure
Republicans
" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "
Lewis Black
Vegas
Play
Country
" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "
Lewis Black
I Am
Say
Funny
" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "
Lewis Black
Hate
Woman
Me
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "
Lewis Black
New York
New
More
" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "
Lewis Black
Life
Alone
My Life
" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "
Lewis Black
Right
American
Place
" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "
Lewis Black
Christmas
Healthy
People
" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "
Lewis Black
Day
Writing
Reading
" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "
Lewis Black
Me
I Am
Got
" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "
Lewis Black
Dealing
Democrats
Reality
" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "
Lewis Black
Teacher
Mother
Parents