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" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "
Lewis Black
Just
Insane
More
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" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "
Lewis Black
Some
Yelling
Started
" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "
Lewis Black
Faith
Vote
Think
" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "
Lewis Black
Art
Many
Go
" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "
Lewis Black
Constantly
Having
Stroke
" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "
Lewis Black
Me
I Am
Got
" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "
Lewis Black
Socialism
Got
Like
" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "
Lewis Black
Christmas
Healthy
People
" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "
Lewis Black
Ended
Up
Sense
" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "
Lewis Black
Problem
Uniform
People
" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "
Lewis Black
Cloud
Sky
Sight
" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "
Lewis Black
Me
Obvious
Stupid
" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "
Lewis Black
Teacher
Mother
Parents
" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "
Lewis Black
Birthday
Been
Guy
" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "
Lewis Black
Who
Created
Me
" It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' "
Lewis Black
God
Funny
Good
" I'm a selfish, little pig of a man. "
Lewis Black
Pig
Selfish
Little
" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "
Lewis Black
Rich
Tax
Going
" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "
Lewis Black
Math
Sure
Republicans
" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "
Lewis Black
You
Everything
Going
" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "
Lewis Black
You
Work
Go
" You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. "
Lewis Black
Company
You
Want
" Political audiences are not fun. "
Lewis Black
Political
Fun
Audiences
" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "
Lewis Black
Because
Friends
Like
" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "
Lewis Black
Now
Want
People
" Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. "
Lewis Black
Child
Just
Own
" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "
Lewis Black
You
Democrats
Dumb
" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "
Lewis Black
Kid
Great
Down
" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "
Lewis Black
Woman
Women
Compare
" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
Lewis Black
Milk
Soy
Thing
" I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. "
Lewis Black
People
Believe
Start