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" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

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" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. "

" Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. "

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "