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" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "
Lewis Black
American
Bipartisan
Public
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" I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. "
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" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "
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" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "
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" If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. "
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" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "
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Comedy
You
Political
" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "
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Important
Leaving
Realize
" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "
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Who
Created
Me
" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "
Lewis Black
Shut
You
Law
" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
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Get
Broke
Had
" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "
Lewis Black
Single
Enjoy
Better
" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "
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Because
Friends
Like
" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "
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Got
Fix
Without
" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "
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Right
American
Place
" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "
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Group
Know
End
" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "
Lewis Black
You
Always
Work
" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "
Lewis Black
Chicken
Life
My Life
" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "
Lewis Black
Republican
Understand
Democrat
" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "
Lewis Black
Vegas
Play
Country
" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "
Lewis Black
Golf
Yourself
Myself
" Everybody's family has different values. "
Lewis Black
Everybody
Different
Values
" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "
Lewis Black
Now
Want
People
" I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast. "
Lewis Black
Fast
Change
People
" If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Ego
Health
" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "
Lewis Black
Some
Yelling
Started
" My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. "
Lewis Black
Been
Started
Road
" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "
Lewis Black
Food
Just
Comfort
" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "
Lewis Black
Start
Father
People
" Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. "
Lewis Black
Back
Big
Like
" Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. "
Lewis Black
He
Funny
Creepy
" Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. "
Lewis Black
Day
Writing
Reading