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" I don't do impressions. "

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" Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive. "

" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "

" I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.' "

" Johnny Carson was king of the kings, in my opinion. "

" My life was in Montreal years ago. Best food in the world. "

" Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. "

" Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. "

" In the 45 years I've worked in casinos, I dreamed of being honored by an organization like the American Gaming Association, especially since I don't even have a hunting license. "

" I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid. "

" I've been to Philadelphia a lot of times over the years, playing the old Celebrity Room and most of the other clubs around there that don't exist anymore. "

" Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. "

" My mother was a Jewish General Patton. "

" When I got out of high school, I wanted to be an actor but was getting a lot of rejections. I was getting rejected by life. My mother, God rest her soul, told me not to quit. "

" Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones. "

" I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke. "

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II. "

" Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight. "

" You've got to be able to sell yourself. "

" I didn't get married until I was 38. "

" Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" We were Orthodox Jews, but we really didn't deserve it. I mean, bacon - my father said, 'Don't put bacon in the house,' but we had bacon. We didn't keep kosher. And we observed which today would be Conservative Jews. But in those days, we belonged to an Orthodox temple. So we made out we were Orthodox Jews, but we really weren't. "

" Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person. "

" They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities. "

" Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. "