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" I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II. "

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" I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke. "

" My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head. "

" I write my own tweets. "

" Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. "

" Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. "

" Funny is funny. "

" After I graduated, I tried Broadway, which was difficult for me. It was tough to get a part on Broadway, so I just started talking to audiences at different social gatherings, and little by little I became Don Rickles - whatever that is. "

" You know what's funny to me? Attitude. "

" My whole act is off the top of my head. "

" It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great. "

" When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. "

" I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child. "

" Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive. "

" I didn't get married until I was 38. "

" I told jokes badly. "

" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" Don't call me 'sir; 'King Jew' will do fine. "

" I used to work over a bar. That was - there was no stage. I stood over a tiny bar. Louis Prima, rest his soul, he worked there. I was the guy that filled in when he was off the stage. "

" I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it. "

" I did a few movies, but the word 'star'... I cannot compare to a star like Clint Eastwood. I used to call Clint 'Larry Dickman' when he would come to my show; then, he started using the name when he would go under cover in a 'Dirty Harry' movie. That's why he's a movie star... he's so creative. "

" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "

" I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness. "

" There's a difference between an actual insult and a friendly jab. So I don't think I'm offensive onstage. "

" You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" If I have learned anything, it is to keep my wife happy by sending her lavish gifts. Other men can learn from my success and send their wives and girlfriends fresh flowers for birthdays, anniversaries, and of course, Valentine's Day. "

" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "