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" People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. "

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" If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. "

" Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. "

" People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. "

" Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you. "

" I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. "

" The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin. "

" Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor. "

" The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat. "

" Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early? "

" Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. "

" I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. "

" Too clever is dumb. "

" Women would rather be right than reasonable. "

" The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. "

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" Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is. "

" I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers. "

" Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. "

" The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk. "

" Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. "

" Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? "

" There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. "

" The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control. "

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" I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. "

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" I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. "

" Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. "

" Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. "