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" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "

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" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine! "

" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot! "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

" Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy. "

" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "

" I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "