Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. "

Related Quotes:

" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "

" You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. "

" Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' "

" Everybody's family has different values. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "

" Political audiences are not fun. "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. "

" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "

" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "

" When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. "

" I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. "

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "