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" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "
Laurence J. Peter
" Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. "
" I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. "
" The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. "
" Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. "
" A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. "
George Bernard Shaw
" I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. "
" Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. "
" It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. "
" Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. "
" The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. "
" Chris Hemsworth is like Christopher Reeve in that he can do two things: he can wear a big red cape without a shred of self-consciousness. But he's also funny as hell, and he's so sweet. So with all the fish-out-of-water stuff, he's so funny. So he does almost two jobs in a way. "
" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "
" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "
H. L. Mencken
" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "
" I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I'm big fan of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day. "
" I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. "
" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "
" I'm not a fan of any genre but am a fan of movies that are intelligent and/or funny. That goes across all genres: a horror movie, a zombie movie, alien invaders, chick flick, or raunchy comedy. If it's well done, I'm a fan. "
J. K. Simmons
" There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen. "
" When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "
" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "
W. Clement Stone
" One man is as good as another until he has written a book. "
" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "
" It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget. "
" I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me. "
" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "
" 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun. "
" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "
" I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from 'Funny Girl,' 'Oh my man, I love him so, he'll never know...' it hit me. "