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" I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. "

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" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "

" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. "

" The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself. "

" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "

" I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. "

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "

" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "

" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "