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" I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. "
Lewis Black
Kid
Great
Down
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" I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition. "
Lewis Black
Business
Know
Nice
" The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? "
Lewis Black
Health
Fear
Belief
" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "
Lewis Black
Taxes
Question
Privilege
" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "
Lewis Black
Faith
Vote
Think
" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "
Lewis Black
Most
Hang
Out
" The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. "
Lewis Black
Dealing
Democrats
Reality
" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "
Lewis Black
Country
Lost
Water
" You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. "
Lewis Black
Life
Alone
My Life
" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "
Lewis Black
Some
Yelling
Started
" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "
Lewis Black
Daily
Think
Golf
" Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. "
Lewis Black
Know
English
Liar
" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "
Lewis Black
Great
You
Only
" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "
Lewis Black
Economics
You
Morning
" Everybody's family has different values. "
Lewis Black
Everybody
Different
Values
" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "
Lewis Black
Funny
" Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. "
Lewis Black
People
Country
Help
" As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic. "
Lewis Black
Gets
Comic
Psychotic
" Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. "
Lewis Black
Online
No Time
Always
" Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. "
Lewis Black
Day
New Day
Great
" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "
Lewis Black
Funny
Candy
Corn
" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "
Lewis Black
Believe
Gone
Voting
" If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. "
Lewis Black
Rich
Tax
Going
" I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. "
Lewis Black
Republican
Understand
Democrat
" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "
Lewis Black
Christmas
Healthy
People
" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "
Lewis Black
Politics
People
Daily
" You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. "
Lewis Black
America
Parents
People
" Political audiences are not fun. "
Lewis Black
Political
Fun
Audiences
" I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. "
Lewis Black
Get
Broke
Had
" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "
Lewis Black
Ended
Up
Sense
" You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal. "
Lewis Black
Company
You
Want