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" Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!' "

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" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

" I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. "

" What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. "

" Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app! "

" In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks. "

" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

" I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. "

" My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter. "

" I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. "

" If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich. "

" I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "

" Self-love is a big part of golf. "

" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "