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" It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! "

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" I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet. "

" If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. "

" When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. "

" I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. "

" I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. "

" I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. "

" You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. "

" My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. "

" Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. "

" I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. "

" The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. "

" When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' "

" When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. "

" I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. "