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" When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. "

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" Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. "

" I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. "

" Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. "

" Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. "

" Everybody's got cable. "

" I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say. "

" I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. "

" The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. "

" You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned. "

" I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke. "

" The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. "

" If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. "

" What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. "

" There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power. "

" Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. "

" What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.' "

" Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me. "

" Usually I'm too tired to apologize. "

" Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. "

" It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. "

" Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. "

" Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' "

" Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. "

" Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! "

" When I'm funny is when I'm angriest. "

" My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform. "

" Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. "

" I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else. "

" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. "

" Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. "