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" I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money. "

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" There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. "

" It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash. "

" The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it. "

" There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it. "

" The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so. "

" About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it. "

" It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so. "

" Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense. "

" Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does. "

" The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. "

" The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust. "

" I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry. "

" Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. "

" Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. "

" There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing. "

" When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. "

" I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else. "

" There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together. "

" Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel. "

" Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. "

" I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time. "

" As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them. "

" One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs. "

" There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. "

" Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal. "

" There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply. "

" It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money. "

" Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it. "

" Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread. "

" About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. "