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" I play a lot of sports. I'm not real good at any of them. I'm above adequate. "

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" I became a vegetarian after I became aware of factory farming and slaughterhouses and the torture and inhumane handling of all these animals. "

" I was born in St. Louis; I lived there for three weeks and then my father graduated from St. Louis University, so we all got in the car and split. I don't really remember much. I grew up in Connecticut most of my life and then four years in Germany. My father worked for a helicopter company, so we went over there. "

" I do have a place in my heart for animal shelters because the job they have is impossible - so many animals that need to euthanized because don't have homes for them. "

" I really like to read when I'm eating - 'The New York Times' or the 'Wall Street Journal,' paper version. "

" Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing. "

" I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game. "

" I think there's a part of me that might be my alter ago, like the carefree, do-what-he-wants kind of guy, because I've been so restrained most of my life, going to Catholic school and being the good son and the good husband. It's a fun escape route for me sometimes to lead that life. "

" I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push. "

" I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn't see that as a job description anywhere. "

" I've done this commercial with Arnold Palmer. He doesn't play that much anymore, but it'd be fun to have him in the cart. "

" Definitely not a TV junkie. I only record shows I want to see but usually never get around to watching them. "

" I tend to listen to Sirius XM Radio. "

" Every time I think of Doug Wilson, I think 'pathetic.' When it comes between something for himself or something for righteousness, he'll choose himself. "

" You don't want to throw out a good idea and have nobody get excited about it. It takes the wind out of your sails. "

" I feel guilty: when I'm not golfing, I feel like I should be golfing. And when I'm golfing, I feel like I should be home working or spending time with the family. So it's a real conundrum. "

" If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. "

" The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don't even mention the product until the very end. You don't really know what the commercial is all about. They're kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that's why I think they're so entertaining. "

" Don't play dead with a vulture. That's exactly what they want. "

" Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes. "

" I've been involved in animal issues for quite a while, going back 24 years. I started reading up on factory farming and slaughterhouses and animal cruelty, and it didn't make sense for me to be part of it. "

" I used to go to the Hollywood YMCA when I first came here, and I was standing in front of the mirror doing curls, and I noticed this guy next to me also doing curls. He was grimacing a lot, and I noticed he had an underbite. I looked more closely and realized it was Bruce Springsteen. "

" My adrenaline is definitely going, but it's mostly my real, laid-back persona carrying over on stage. When I first started, I was nervous, I'd be really high energy, and I'd be sweating. Now it's just my job. It's like a machinist who goes to work every day and uses the same drill bits. He's not worried about taking his finger off. "

" I worked for a temp agency called Manpower. "

" I recently purchased an iPad 2 because I didn't want to wait for the iPad 3 and iPad 4. "

" Standup really is a young man's game, a single young man's game. Even when I was younger, when I wasn't single, it was hard to be on the road because you go through relationships because your girlfriend kinda got tired of you being gone. "

" I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor. "

" I like YouTube; it's really entertaining. A lot of it is crappy stuff, but there are a couple diamonds in the rough there. "

" I look back at 'Saturday Night Live' and I think, some people didn't like me doing 'Weekend Update.' Who cares? A lot of people did. When you're reaching that many people, you're not going to have everybody like you. "

" I always tell people if you think you are susceptible to a blood clot, go check with your doctor. "

" My heart started running away, like a pack of horses. Then it slowed down and became irregular. "