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" I recently purchased an iPad 2 because I didn't want to wait for the iPad 3 and iPad 4. "

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" Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing. "

" I think there's a part of me that might be my alter ago, like the carefree, do-what-he-wants kind of guy, because I've been so restrained most of my life, going to Catholic school and being the good son and the good husband. It's a fun escape route for me sometimes to lead that life. "

" I used to go to the Hollywood YMCA when I first came here, and I was standing in front of the mirror doing curls, and I noticed this guy next to me also doing curls. He was grimacing a lot, and I noticed he had an underbite. I looked more closely and realized it was Bruce Springsteen. "

" Standup really is a young man's game, a single young man's game. Even when I was younger, when I wasn't single, it was hard to be on the road because you go through relationships because your girlfriend kinda got tired of you being gone. "

" It was football I enjoyed most. When I moved to L.A. to become a stand-up comedian, I thought it might be a good comedy hook to also be the punter for USFL club The L.A. Express, so I started practicing for the tryouts. Luckily, my stand-up took off, and I didn't need to do it. "

" Print is definitely more nutritious. When I leave a website, I'm hungry again an hour later - especially the Chinese websites. "

" I was born in St. Louis; I lived there for three weeks and then my father graduated from St. Louis University, so we all got in the car and split. I don't really remember much. I grew up in Connecticut most of my life and then four years in Germany. My father worked for a helicopter company, so we went over there. "

" I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game. "

" To this day, I haven't felt like I've made it. I'm waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me. I kind of feel like George Plimpton; I'm just experiencing this whole business with the really talented people. "

" I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn't see that as a job description anywhere. "

" I just loved stand-up comics as a kid. I'd watch them on 'The Tonight Show,' and I thought what a great craft it was to come out on stage with no instrument or anything and be able to entertain people. "

" I'm a member of the Studio City Driving Range. They have a nice little par-3 AstroTurf course and driving range. You know, I don't belong to a course because I don't golf that much, so it's not worth it for me to join a club. "

" I really enjoyed working on the 2009 film, 'Aliens in the Attic,' because it was shot in New Zealand and I got to visit there for the first time. "

" A novel is too much of a commitment. I tend to peruse Twitter - I check to see if I had any mentions and read the latest messages. "

" I am whelmed, and not overly whelmed, just whelmed about a lot of facets in life - just how fragile life is and the different challenges you have in life, phobias about things. "

" Any day that is designated to shower the person you love with love is my favorite holiday. "

" I've been involved in animal issues for quite a while, going back 24 years. I started reading up on factory farming and slaughterhouses and animal cruelty, and it didn't make sense for me to be part of it. "

" I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me. "

" Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled. "

" I lived in Germany from when I was 6 until I was 10, so, of course, I played soccer. When I came back to the States, nobody played soccer, and none of the schools taught German, so I couldn't continue to excel in those categories. "

" I was 5-foot-8 when I graduated high school, but then I shot up to 6-foot-4 and got more into playing basketball. "

" Definitely not a TV junkie. I only record shows I want to see but usually never get around to watching them. "

" I really like to read when I'm eating - 'The New York Times' or the 'Wall Street Journal,' paper version. "

" I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor. "

" You see things through a different lens when you have a child. "

" If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. "

" You really have to be ambitious and have that drive to really become well known and successful as a standup. "

" I am very romantic. In fact, I just renewed my vows... although it was with another woman. "

" I feel guilty: when I'm not golfing, I feel like I should be golfing. And when I'm golfing, I feel like I should be home working or spending time with the family. So it's a real conundrum. "

" I've done this commercial with Arnold Palmer. He doesn't play that much anymore, but it'd be fun to have him in the cart. "