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" I sound like a chain-smoking drag queen after a hard night of singing 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon'. "

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" I'm a Nietzschean scholar. I've read an immense amount about nihilism and existentialism. "

" I don't know that I would host the Golden Globes or the Emmys because I don't think they have the appreciation for irreverence that the Critics Choice does. "

" My father really told me, seriously, if you want something, you can have it, but you may have to work harder than anyone else around you. "

" It doesn't matter to me if I'm in love with my performance, so I watch all of my performances to understand and learn from them and figure out what's working and what's not. And I see the movies that I'm in in the theater a lot. "

" I don't sit and write stand-up material; I come up with an idea onstage. "

" People dream their whole lives of their Oscar speech; I dreamt my whole life of hosting the Oscars. "

" 'Yogi Bear' changed my life in ways that I can't explain because it's not a full feature on me. 'Yogi Bear' - there's everything before 'Yogi Bear,' and there's everything after 'Yogi Bear.' Like a major car accident, or the birth of Christ. "

" We try and reflect that there's a lot of optimism, there's a lot of positive things that are happening in 'Silicon Valley'. "

" Always remember: My general theme is 'There is no message.' There never has been. Stop trying to find the message or the meaning in everything. That's. My. Theme. "

" When you get into a car, and there's trash, or it's dirty, or one of the hubcaps is off, you're like, 'Come on, dude.' Every woman likes the confidence and self-respect that says, 'I get oil changes. I look after my vehicle.' That's what I recommend: Act like you don't care, but take care of your body. "

" I think it is very important to be a method actor. "

" I'm a stand-up. I'm never worried about getting my next role. That's never distressing to me. "

" Effective satire has to be almost identical to the subject that it is skewering. "

" I like hip-hop, but I don't like concerts. There's, like, sweat on people's backs. "

" Comedy gives you a shot of euphoria that distracts you from everything that's awful. "

" By the very nature of satire or parody, you have to love and respect your target and respect it enough to understand every aspect of it, so you can more effectively make fun of it. "

" I acted in high school and studied at the British American Drama Academy in Oxford for one summer. I minored in theater, and I was always acting growing up and stuff, but really, I was just more interested in the comedy of it all. So for me, it's always comedy, and then acting is just one medium of comedy. "

" I always like to have a buffer between me and journalism in general. Not just a reporter, but journalism. "

" Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird. "

" I don't believe in alcohol. It's a sort of a medicinal necessity for the human condition, none of that stuff. I'm not a gambling man. "

" I don't prepare for anything very well. I am not a good actor. I don't read scripts. "

" I actually prefer Twitter as a medium, and I also got into Periscope for a second, but I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. I can't figure out if the only important thing about it is the live broadcast, or if it's an interesting kind of way to log what you do. "

" I love mispronunciations. I love when people mispronounce things. "

" My face is oblong. But the best grooming is confidence. "

" I laugh at absurdity hardest, then stories, then observations, then bearded men on roller skates. "

" My father always said I have a face for radio, and 'Cloverfield' was one of my finest pieces of work. "

" I consider myself a fairly ethical individual while I do have a lot of dichotomies within me. We're all victims of our own hypocrisy at times. "

" Hosting is a thankless job. "

" It's always fun to agree to be in a movie when you have no idea what it's actually going to be! "

" I would say that awards are for children. Because children need a tangible representation of their achievement. And as adults, you have to settle for the respect and admiration of your peers. "