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" I don't believe in alcohol. It's a sort of a medicinal necessity for the human condition, none of that stuff. I'm not a gambling man. "

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" Stuff that I write isn't as similar to the stuff that I'm in, but I don't really care. I just do comedy. "

" I don't know that I would host the Golden Globes or the Emmys because I don't think they have the appreciation for irreverence that the Critics Choice does. "

" I don't know how much the economy has changed since Jonathan Swift's 'A Modest Proposal.' "

" Life is hard. Not great. Kind of tragic. "

" My father always said I have a face for radio, and 'Cloverfield' was one of my finest pieces of work. "

" Some people in Silicon Valley are as bad as the 'Koch Brothers', you know? Don't be mistaken. For every some of those, though, you get people who come up with something like 'Leafly', which does what 'Yelp' has done, but in a much more specific way, and it's important because it's the dawn of this new era. "

" To be honest, I would never have imagined myself acting on a sitcom that I didn't write. "

" I think it is very important to be a method actor. "

" I don't sit and write stand-up material; I come up with an idea onstage. "

" If you're a psychologist, you can instrumentally change peoples lives for the better. But you can only do that for about 300 people to maybe a thousand people - if you're really prolific and you're working really hard. "

" When you get into a car, and there's trash, or it's dirty, or one of the hubcaps is off, you're like, 'Come on, dude.' Every woman likes the confidence and self-respect that says, 'I get oil changes. I look after my vehicle.' That's what I recommend: Act like you don't care, but take care of your body. "

" I try to be an ethical, moral person and a nice person, and I like to have that reflected in my comedy. I'm not a mean comedian, and I don't think that my comedy is mean. I think that for the most part, it's more focused on the diversity that we all handle and try to provide a distraction from the disaster of modern living. "

" I don't prepare for anything very well. I am not a good actor. I don't read scripts. "

" By the very nature of satire or parody, you have to love and respect your target and respect it enough to understand every aspect of it, so you can more effectively make fun of it. "

" I do comedy to give people an ephemeral escape from the tragedy that permeates everyday life. "

" It is good to connect to someone who reminds you that you have some real authenticity. "

" I love writing but not crazy meticulous/prepared enough to be a director. I'd work as a gaffer on something. "

" It's much better to wreak havoc on a show and be a maniac than promote myself. Plugs and anecdotes aren't really in line with my beliefs. Besides, if someone sees me on a morning show and thinks, 'That's not funny; this guy is crazy,' then I don't want them to come to the show anyway. "

" I drink a fair amount of ramen noodles. "

" You just put yourself into your work, and you can do anything you want, depending on how hard you want to work for it. "

" My face is oblong. But the best grooming is confidence. "

" I acted in high school and studied at the British American Drama Academy in Oxford for one summer. I minored in theater, and I was always acting growing up and stuff, but really, I was just more interested in the comedy of it all. So for me, it's always comedy, and then acting is just one medium of comedy. "

" Slowly but surely, I went through different phases of fame, and each rises you further into isolation and alienation. "

" People dream their whole lives of their Oscar speech; I dreamt my whole life of hosting the Oscars. "

" I love mispronunciations. I love when people mispronounce things. "

" Comedy gives you a shot of euphoria that distracts you from everything that's awful. "

" I consider everybody who takes themselves seriously to be a little bit off. And Silicon Valley seems to be the most effusive about how important their contributions are to society. "

" I can't stand Snapchat, but that will be extinct before it is relevant. "

" Mucinex were like, 'Would you like to be the Mucinex man? You sound like you're sick right now'. In each spot, they give me a little bit of room to do something strange. And in a world of fractured mediums, where there is no zeitgeist, and you get your comedy from your phone, it's all content. "

" Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird. "